Once you have started with BDSM play you may hear the phrase SSC. What does SSC stand for and how do we incorporate it in our play?
SSC stands for Safe, Sane, and Consensual. In order to achieve a safe, sane, and consensual play time with our partner, we need to focus on communicating with them to set out our goals for the scene and our boundaries.
When we are with someone, possibly for the first time, and we’re super turned on, sometimes the last thing we want to do is slow down the process, much less slow it down to talk. But doing so will result in a better result ultimately and it could in fact prevent a very unpleasant situation for either top or bottom.
Let’s look at each of these aspects.
Safety
First, safety. As a top (aka Dominant/Dom/Domme), this means we know what we are doing and don’t try to involve our partner in something that we have not been trained in, either by a professional top or by others at play parties who have experience.
For the bottom (aka sub/slave) this covers both our physical safety (is the rope too tight? can we breathe?) as well as our emotional safety. For example, if certain words, tones, movements, or scenarios trigger us, we will need to make sure that we communicate that to our play partner.
Perhaps we like bondage with ropes but bondage with belts gives us flashbacks to unpleasant memories from previous experiences. So we need to be as specific as possible when we discuss our likes and dislikes.
Alternately, as a bottom we might tell our play partner that we love to be humiliated and degraded. If we don’t discuss it further, we might be looking forward to being told how much of a worthless loser we are and how we’ll never be able to satisfy a partner sexually, but then our partner starts to call us stupid and we shut right down because being called stupid doesn’t turn us on at all. However, our partner doesn’t know this, so in advance of the play it’s important to talk about what we love about being humiliated and what we don’t love (if we know).
Photo by Khoa Võ
Safe Words
Of course, sometimes we don’t know the extent of our dislikes or what might trigger us or when we simply might get overwhelmed by feelings. That’s why a safe word is essential to have and to use in a scene. A safe word is any word you have agreed to use with your play partner to slow down or stop the play.
Safe words can be any word at all that you wouldn’t normally use in a play session: “pineapple” or “wristwatch” or “fire.” It should be easy to remember and say.
A common system to use for safe words is the “traffic light” system: “green” means OMG yes!, “yellow” means let’s slow down or take a break as I’m a little anxious/overwhelmed right now, and “red” means Stop right now!
It’s important to have a safe word other than “Stop!” because that is something that we might say during the session without actually meaning it. For example, during a tickle torture session, we might both love and hate what we’re experiencing and our top for sure would expect to hear us begging to stop, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to take it as a hard limit. However, any ethical top who hears the agreed-upon safe word will stop immediately.
Sane
The second aspect of SSC, sane, ensures that everyone involved in the scene is of sound mind—they are capable of understanding the implications of the proposed play and are able to freely consent to it. They understand the difference between a fantasy scenario and the reality.
Also, they are able to control themselves during the scene and not go beyond what has been agreed to.
Consensual
Finally, consensual play means that everyone involved in the scene fully understands what they are agreeing to do, and they consent to it without reservation.
In order to consent, the following conditions are the minimum that must be met:
- They must be the legal age in the country/province/state they are in
- They must be free from the influence of alcohol or recreational drugs
- They must have the mental capacity to understand what they are being asked to agree to (in other words, a person who is mentally impaired, perhaps due to a developmental disorder or a brain injury, would not be able to consent)
- They must be free to say no to their partner; they are not being pressured, either subtly or blatantly, to do any activity
- They are saying yes because they really want to try or do the activity, not because they dislike saying “no”
- Their “no” will not result in any negative consequences (e.g. the loss of their home)
- They must know exactly what they are agreeing to
Again, these are the bare minimum requirements for consent.
In addition to the original consent, either party must have the right to stop the scene at either time for any reason at all.
Also, you may consent to an activity on one occasion and then, in the future, not agree to it. You are not required to give a reason for this. I once read a lovely explanation for this that went something like this:
- You are visiting with someone who offers you tea; you accept it and enjoy it.
- The next time you visit this person, you again are offered tea and again you accept and enjoy it.
- However, the third time you visit the person, you are offered tea but you have just had two coffees and really are not in the mood for any more beverages, so you decline. If the person is a gracious host, they accept your decision.
It’s the same thing with consent to sexual activities:
- You might consent to an activity once and enjoy it
- You might consent to do exactly the same thing a second time and enjoy it again
- However, the third time you are asked to do exactly the same thing, you are not comfortable doing so (perhaps you are tired, or not feeling well, or you’re in a fragile emotional state for whatever reason). So you tell your partner you don’t want to do it and if they are ethical, they will immediately stop asking you to do so—and if they continue to push you to do it, that’s a warning sign and you should reconsider your relationship with this person
Remember: Any sexual activity that takes place without your consent is rape. It doesn’t matter if you’ve done it before, it doesn’t matter if you were flirting with the person, it doesn’t matter if the person is your partner/significant other.
Phrases To Use Around Consent
Discussing consent can feel uncomfortable and awkward. Here are some phrases you can use as a top:
- May I try ___ with you?
- Would you enjoy ___ today?
- I’d like to include ____ this time, what do you think?
Here are some phrases you can use as a bottom:
- I’m not comfortable with that.
- I’m not ok with that.
- I don’t want to do that.
- That’s a no-go for me.
- No, thank you.
- We could try it but let’s go very slowly with it
*****
Communicating with each other to establish likes and dislikes, boundaries, and safe words may seem like a tedious way to slow down a situation where there are sexual sparks flying everywhere and blood is running hot. It’s understandable to want to rip our partner’s clothes off and get down to the fun part of the encounter. But the risks of NOT communicating can be serious and can range from actual physical harm to emotional trauma.
Having a thorough understanding of your own limits, backed by a safe word and a clear discussion with your partner will set the stage for a respectful, enjoyable session.
